Fallin’ For Yo…Me

It’s okay to be alone with yourself.

That’s what I’ve been telling myself for the past five days. It’s human nature to want to be around people, connect with other souls (no matter how much you may tell yourself that you’d rather be alone). We crave conversation, shared experiences, love, companionship, all those good things. But what happens when you put so much into your interpersonal relationships, and not enough into your intra-personal relationship? You know, the one with yourself?

I am so absolutely 100% guilty of having a hard time being alone. I grew up in a family with five siblings, got married at 19, and started a family at 20. I have a good deal of friends, so there’s always someone to reach out to. But I’m starting to see that constantly seeking other people to fill that void that makes you unable to cope with the silence, to enjoy just being alone, just being you.

Having other people around 24/7 to ease the chatter of my mind has made me insanely lazy when there’s a reprieve that forces me to make attempt to listen (And the barrage of social media notifications and mindless surfing doesn’t help either). In the process, I’ve found that I’m starting to lose sight of who I am, what I’m most passionate about. How does that oft-quoted meme go? “If you stand for nothing, you’ll fall for anything”. I’ve been finding that I have been susceptible to the latter. One week, I’m trying on one personality, the next, a “better” one. But what happened to MY personality?

I have spent the last few days being alone (minus the daily kid interaction/interruption, but that doesn’t count). And let me tell you. It SUCKS. I hate it. Absolutely hate it. There’s no constant stimuli, no one to entertain my random thoughts, to cater to my whims. I’m dependent on myself to engage myself. It is awful, because it is a wonderful breeding ground for paranoia, negativity, self-pity, over analyzation (made up word). I start to think that I’m not missed, that no one cares. I start to chip away at the confident exterior I wear as a badge, and I become a little insecure. It can be pretty self-deprecating and pathetic, to say the least.

So, after a very emotional weekend and a LOT of thinking, I’ve decided to focus on the important stuff for the next couple of weeks – the important stuff being me. I have to like, date myself, as corny as that sounds. I want to remember what makes me so special, so unique. I want to draw myself in and get lost in myself and fully appreciate myself, and (PG-ingly) love the hell out of myself. I’ve come to the realization that the silence isn’t necessarily a bad thing, and that the loneliness is actually just a synonym for meditation. I’m going to allow myself to be more spiritual and in tune with who I really am. I’m going to finally take advantage of this time to understand who I am…to fall back in love with ME.