You Need to Cut It

Have you ever had a conversation with someone about aspects of your life that you KNOW you need to change, and you kind of brush it off like, yeah yeah whatever. You hear them, but you’re not truly listening to what they’re saying. We all like to think we’re completely right, and for the most part, you should listen to your own instincts and not let others give too much input into your life and the direction it should take. But those same things you’ve brushed off, you suddenly see or hear somewhere else? Literally days, or even hours after the conversation? This just happened to me, as I debated on whether or not to write a blog post about the same themes that continue to play a significant role in my life. A friend of mine (I say friend even though we’ve never met in real life but appreciate each other’s posts consistently) on Instagram posted five things that needed to be gone from her life, and dammit if three of those things didn’t pop right out at me and poke me in the eye.

398H

Photo courtesy of gratisography.com

First up? Living in the past. How many times have I rode the shoulda coulda woulda train. If train of yesteryear has annual passes, I must be a platinum member. This evening, I was discussing all of the reasons why I don’t feel like I’ve done enough in my life, and I focused on all of the things I wanted to do but didn’t get to do. Everyone has this grand plan for their lives, and while some people can get hit with a detour and regroup and move on, others move through the detour and still worry about the path they never got to see. I am notorious for being that person, unfortunately. Shoulda went to this college, coulda had that experience, woulda been that person. I never stop to think about the fact that, had I followed my desired path, I may not be where I am today. Sure, my life may have been great, but I would most definitely not be the person I am today. My detour shaped me, and although rough at times, it molded me into someone with resiliency, persistence, and maturity.

318H

Photo courtesy of gratisography.com

Fearing change. Okay, this is a funny one to me. For someone who has gone through so much change in the past four years, I still despise it. I love adventure and new experiences, but I somehow want everything in my life to stay intact. It’s like playing a Sims game and enjoying the new world, but coming back to the comfort of sameness when you log off. I’ve written posts about embracing change, not because I do it with excitement and eagerness, but because it’s something I have to do and realize the importance of. This past year, I literally threw caution to the wind, took a chance, and moved across the country. I had no concrete plan, but I somehow knew it would work out. I was fearless in making the decision, yet somehow I wasn’t fearless throughout the process. I hated almost every moment of it, because every day the planning yanked me out of my comfort zone. The fact that my relationship has managed to stay intact is amazing to me (I’m a lucky gal). And even though I made the biggest leap and came out virtually unscathed from it, I’m still not settled yet. I’m still adjusting to the change, but I’m not afraid of it anymore. But, should something new come up, I can’t promise that it won’t come with growing pains and a little bit (read: a lot) of resistance. I hope though, that the fear that has clouded past changes can be replaced with mild annoyance, at least.

Broken Cookie Jar

Photo courtesy of gratisography.com

Overthinking. Whooooo, this is me me me. I’ve gotten better through the years, but my goodness. I am guilty of re-reading a text message or email and assigning my own interpretation of it. Did you know that, “If that’s what you want” can have a thousand different meanings? And usually not the meaning the person who sent it intended for it? Being an over-thinker has caused me pain, confusion, and just plain sadness. It’s difficult for me to believe that when people say things, there is no underlying meaning, and they only mean what has been said. It’s a horrible habit, believing someone is out to con you, that they can’t be trusted. I’m finally learning to accept things at face value, and not spend all of my precious time and energy trying to discern an alternative interpolation of it. It is very easy to be in a bad mood and follow the rabbit down his hole of despair, but it’s so not worth it, trust me. You can’t control other people nor their intentions, but you can control your response to both. Accept what is and reject what’s not.

Couple Couple

Photo courtesy of gratisography.com

We all have things that we need to work on, things that recur to the point that we feel like we’re living out a scene in Groundhog Day. We may feel like we’re alone in our issues, that others don’t suffer from the same sort of self-criticism and self-deprecation that we so generously stow upon ourselves. Sometimes, it’s comforting to know that we’re not alone, and that we all can’t stand who we are (kidding!). But seriously, realizing that we’re only human, just like those around us, can provide a first step in moving forward from the behaviors that may be holding us back.

 

 

Advertisements

Insufferable Sufferers

What would happen if you decided to love yourself? Like, really love yourself? What if you woke up in the morning and, instead of being frustrated that it’s all starting over again, you were determined to face the day and enjoy being you? That you woke up with a song on your lips, a little pep in your step, and love in your heart? Not many of us can truly say that we whole-heartedly embrace who we are, that we’ve forgiven ourselves for our shortcomings and transgressions, because we relive them with every new day. We claim that we’ve moved on from the job we lost, the relationship that failed, the poor decisions we made, yet, we punish ourselves daily. If we’re enjoying ourselves, we immediately churn up a memory of how we screwed something up in a similar setting. If we find someone who loves us for who we are today, we consistently give them reasons why we’re NOT lovable, in the hopes that they’ll prove us right by leaving. These aren’t the actions of someone who loves themselves, at least not fully. These are the actions of someone who’s still hooked on life “survival” methods that we should have outgrown – concrete walls around our hearts in an effort to protect ourselves against any more pain. In reality, we’re just rejecting potential love from ourselves, and from each other. This, my friends, is the martyr complex.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying that we’re all intent on being the victim, because a lot of times, no one knows when you feel you’re the victim. Sometimes you even go out of your way to prove that you’re “okay”, as to not alert someone of your victim status. If you were raised in an unhealthy environment that consisted of physical, mental, or sexual abuse, this is something that could be psychologically engrained within you, and without proper treatment, it could be almost impossible to defeat. If you’re not healed, you’re virtually incapable of loving yourself or others. Oh, but you will try. You’ll seek out other broken people, because you see yourself in them. And because you can’t fix yourself, you’ll do your best to try to fix them. You become overly accommodating, painfully generous. The great side benefit is that while you’re focused on fixing them, you can bury all of your issues (presumably) and push off working on yourself. As we know though, that’s not 100% accurate. The more likely case is that you’ll just project your issues on to them, adding on to the baggage they’re already dragging around. Hurt people, hurt people, right?

You don’t have to be dealing with extreme trauma to have this intense need to suffer. It could be a past relationship that left you with some scars, scars that scab over, but never heal. This lack of healing ultimately causes a lack of self-love, and in turn, a lack of happiness. And with every new relationship, job, or personal endeavor, the scab will follow you. Maybe you’re not the sort of person who feels therapy would help – that’s okay. But what about self-care? What can you do to stop the cycle, to begin the process that will allow you to become the best version of yourself? It’s okay to forgive yourself, but you have to truly feel that you are worth forgiving. Go on a retreat. Talk to someone. Meditate. Pray. Get to know who you are, and start to be kind to yourself. You are worth loving, even by you.

Multi-Racial Misfit

Enter your email address to follow this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.