Back Scrubs and Doggie Bags

Yeah, yeah, another post about being single. But this is a serious one. Soooo serious. You never realize how many things you take for granted when you’re a part of a couple, especially when it’s all you’ve known for ten or more years. Obviously, when you get that far, you just assume that it’s going to be that way forever. Unfortunately, life doesn’t always work out that way, and you end up dealing with some big adjustments when you transition to single life. For me, there are five pressing things that I’m just now understanding are super serious – that make my ousting from coupledom that much more evident.

1. There’s no one to wash my back in the shower. 

Have you ever realized, like, really realized, the necessity of having someone wash your back in a shared shower? The joy of not having to be extremely and unnaturally flexible, a contortionist of sorts, just to have a nice, clean back? Imagine my sadness, my utter despair, when, after months of near-death experiences and injuries in the shower, I discovered that they actually sell things to help you with that. You know, those long-handled brush thingamajigs, back scrubbers, I think they’re called? I’m convinced they were invented by a single person who was just over the stretching and sliding to get to that one spot in the middle of their back. Sad. Very, very sad.

2. You can’t race yourself to the bed so you don’t have to turn out the lights. 

What a friggin pain in the ass this was before I bought my home a few months ago. Back during the “Relationship Age”, I tried to always be the first one in the bed (so yes, former SO, I was taking that game seriously, and really did NOT want to turn off the lights), nice and comfy, so I wouldn’t have to get up, half-asleep, and flick the switch. Sure, that seems small, but it is oh so important when you find that snuggly spot in the bed, and you don’t want to get up again. My new place has a remote control for my bedroom lights (Bougie? Maybe. But an ingenious invention, really). Also, that praying mantis has nothing to do with this section at all. But I was desperate to use him. 

3. Who will eat all of my restaurant doggie-bag leftovers? 

I typically eat small portions of food (this is mostly due to the fact that I just want to get to the dessert, and like a good girl, I have to eat some of my dinner first to look as if I’m following the rules). Because of me eating two bites and feigning fullness, I just about always have something to bring home with me at the end of dinner. This wouldn’t be so bad if I actually ate the leftovers, but no. Like the wasteful American I am, I almost always forget that it’s even in the fridge, and by the time I remember, it’s too late. That cedar-plank salmon looks more like some sort of algae concoction. The irony of all of this? I despise wasting food, so I also give myself a guilt trip for a few days after the offense. Do you see the dilemma here??

4. There’s no one to ditch parties and events with. 

You get invited somewhere, the day comes, and you’re kind of like, meh. And when you’re in a couple, that “meh” feeling is okay, because guess what? They’re going to agree with you! And if your former SO was a man, that statement becomes even more true! Especially when it comes to those situations where you feel it necessary to show up as a couple. But now? I get invited to places and events, and if I don’t feel like going, I stay home. Alone. And there’s no one to make me feel okay with the fact that I just ditched someone’s kids bar mitzvah/holiday party/movie night/whatever whatever or something. I am alone in my shame and guilt (okay, there probably isn’t much shame or guilt. I was tired. Get off my back!).

5. Running out of toilet paper is now just your fault. 

Before, you could get upset, cast the blame on your innocent SO, but now? You have no one to blame but yourself. It was your responsibility. You knew you used the last of it the night before, so don’t act so surprised when you wake up the next morning to the little unusable bit that’s stuck to the paper roll. You kept reminding yourself that you needed to get more, and you didn’t. This is YOUR FAILURE. In the grand scheme of things, it seems miniscule, but at 3:30 in the morning? It’s crucial.

All this to say, every event in your life brings you the chance to learn new things about yourself, good or bad. I’ve learned that, especially after listing out these five things, I’m apparently wasteful, lazy, forgetful, and a hermit. But on the bright side, I’ve learned resourcefulness. It’s that much more important to stock up on toilet paper before you need it.