The Dragonfly Effect

This morning was not, by many standards, a good day. I woke up exhausted, having spent the night tossing and turning, uncomfortable and restless. I snoozed for a bit, then woke up with a start, because now I was running late. Traffic was awful, making my commute last almost an hour. I got to the Whole Foods-esque grocery store, only to find that, due to a water main break, I not only couldn’t have my coffee, but a smoothie was out of the question too. Begrudgingly, I stopped at a local restaurant, whose high prices on their subpar food is pretty much insulting. By the time I got to the office, any semblance of a happy mood had vanished. I got into a silly disagreement via text, got flustered on a call I was presenting on, and lamented having even gotten out of bed this morning. All in all, a pretty shitty a.m.

Photo courtesy of gratisography.com

I decided that maybe I should go shopping during lunch because you know, that makes people feel better. (Side note: that NEVER makes me feel better. The frugalness within me brings on a huge wave of guilt as soon as I swipe my card for anything costing more than $19.99). Instead, I went to my favorite smoothie place, and complained that they somehow lost my smoothie points (they didn’t), and then sat ashamed at my first world problems grievance. As I sat and wallowed in my self-importance, I thought of things that could cheer me up. You know, count your blessings and all of that. Instead, I just felt sadder.

Photo courtesy of gratisography.com

I brought my acai bowl back to my car, and instead of driving away, I sat in my car and just thought. Thought about life, thought about decisions I’ve made, thought about my life purpose, etc. etc. I stared out at the people walking by, and a little lonely dragonfly alighted the window shield of my car. I watched in fascination as it continued to fly around, landing, hovering, and then staring at me (I PROMISE it was staring at me). I’m a big believer in signs, so, I looked up the potential meaning of a dragonfly sighting.

Photo courtesy of dragonfly-site.com

“In almost every part of the world, [the dragonfly] symbolizes change and change in the perspective of self realization; and the kind of change that has its source in mental and emotional maturity and the understanding of the deeper meaning of life” (dragonfly-site.com). Whether this description is true or not, it did result in making me feel somewhat convicted, but in a way that brought upon an epiphany. When we feel as if we’re struggling, and we can’t quite pinpoint the source of our struggle, it is most likely that we are battling internally with what was and what will be. We are stuck in this purgatory of sorts, and it not only confuses our minds, but it conflicts our souls. We are in a process of change; a process that requires stretching, pulling, and pushing. This change is bringing us to a place we should be, but even change with the greatest of promise and intentions can be painful.

Photo courtesy of gratisography.com

That little dragonfly came at the right moment today, because it brought me a message of hope, and promise. It reminded me that nothing worth having is ever easy, and in order for you to experience growth, you have to endure the change that comes with it. As you go through the rest of your day, stay cognizant of the little reminders to keep pushing, even when it hurts. It won’t always be easy, but it will almost always be worth it.

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In Transition

There are moments in your life in which you’ll feel lost, unfocused, unmotivated, unambitious. It will seem like everything you want and dream of is always just out of reach. You will be filled with indescribable pain – pain that doesn’t radiate from a clear point, but is felt intensely just the same. Your appetite will begin to fail you, and every sunny day will have a permanent cloud floating within it, directly above your head. And in those moments, there will be nothing easier than for you to feel as if you have failed, and in effect, allow yourself to stop living. Not necessarily physically, but spiritually, emotionally, mentally.

Laundry

Every single disappointment that is felt – every failed career move, every failed relationship, every failed diet and health endeavor – every supposed failure will begin to take its toll on your soul. The heaviness will feel immovable, and you will feel immobile and stuck. Almost as if your feet are covered in cement blocks, and you’ve been thrown into a vat of quicksand. When you’re in quicksand, you’re told to refrain from fighting, because you’ll make it worse, and that’s true. But some fights don’t require physical strength. It seems counterintuitive, but in those moments, your focus should turn inward, and you should seek wisdom to help calm you. These are the moments that are most crucial, because those moments are called transition. 

Which Door

So many of us hate the thought and feeling of transition. It is uncomfortable, because it is stretching us, pushing us towards a life that is unfamiliar to the one we currently have. We want desperately to hold on to what we have now, even if it is not serving us well, because the thought of the unknown is far worse. As humans, we are creatures of habit, because habitual behaviors enable us to multitask and get through our everyday life rather seamlessly. Our habits are a gift and a curse, and they can pin us down into situations and experiences that should be changed. We settle for less than what we deserve and what we want, because we put in our minds that something is better than nothing, and something familiar is better than something new. If we continue to hold on to that mindset, we will never experience growth, and lack of growth is akin to death. Would you rather be dead inside than to try, just a little bit?

Strength

Our cycles of growth are cyclical, and we are given the opportunity to evolve every few months or so. If I want to keep it one hundred, I would even argue that those opportunities are provided to us every day, the moment we open our eyes. When you’re going through those transitional growth periods, your biggest tool is to be present, to pay attention to what is occurring within as well as around you. It is when we’re at our lowest points that our biggest seasons of change are revving up. I’m personally experiencing my own growth cycle, and damn, it doesn’t feel good at all. And I’ll be honest; I don’t want it – I don’t want to deal with this battle. But I know that I need it. Some of us walk into the storm, but others hunker down deep in the basement of their minds. If you’re feeling paralyzed, be introspective and figure out why it may be happening. Cut down on the distractions and begin the process of internal de-cluttering, but most importantly, don’t be complacent. There is something so much greater for you, but you have to be willing to go through the changes to get there.

(All photos courtesy of gratisography.com

 

 

 

It’s Better to Heal…Than to Hurt

It’s very easy to run away from and avoid the reality of our lives. It’s even easier to harbor hatred and feigned indifference, than it is to examine ourselves and determine the role we’ve played in the demise of something that was once deemed important and beautiful. Hatred is not a clear-cut emotion, but is typically a mask for something deeper, usually deep-seated pain and hurt. When people hate, it is because they are too emotionally immature to deal with the heartache they’re experiencing, the hurt they believe is caused by another person or situation. In actuality, no one can make you feel anything you don’t want to feel. Your emotions are your responsibility, and you ultimately have the control over how they are expressed. But how do we wade through our insecurities and elevate ourselves in a way that causes anger and hatred to be fleeting emotions, that aren’t allowed to take up residence in our souls?

Pinata Murderer

Practice self-love. This sounds so simple, yet so many people don’t know how to accomplish this. I sometimes blame it on our modern society and the new cultural expectations we seem to have. We are so dependent on the acceptance and love of others that when we don’t have it, we feel empty inside. We constantly seek the approval, the love…the admiration of others, and when it’s not reciprocated, we tumble down the rabbit hole of despair. You, and only you, have the power to create and manifest your own happiness. How much you love yourself should not be contingent upon how much someone loves you.

Self Love

Do NOT mirror emotions. This is a difficult one for me, personally, because I am an empath by nature – meaning I sense and feel the emotions of those around me quite easily. If I walk into a room and there are people being jovial and lighthearted, my first inclination is to do the same. On the flip side, if I’m sitting next to you, and you are angry, chances are, I will find myself slowly getting angry as well. My soul tends to be a little emotional sponge that wants to share in the experiences of others, even when those experiences are detrimental to my well-being and alter my mood. You have to be extremely cognizant of this in yourself, which I am still learning to be. It takes a LOT of extra work, but if I’m being attacked with negativity, I actively remind myself that I have control over my feelings and cannot allow infiltration by the hurt party. Count to ten if you have to, but do NOT match their emotional level. Your spirit will thank you.

Twin Horses

Be aware of your feelings. Pain can be a confusing place. Someone says or does something we perceive to be cruel, and the first thought an emotionally immature person has is to “get back” at them. Did you know that the more supposed revenge you seek, the more negative energy you bring on yourself, and the more horrible you feel (Unless of course, you are a completely narcissistic person who is incapable of taking responsibility for your actions and their resulting consequences)? There’s supposedly a very thin line between love and hate, but that’s because the line is a fallacy. Hatred does not exist without love, period. It is just the level that reveals itself when you are unable to cope with the pain that occurred within that love. Instead of dealing with the underlying feeling that is making you lash out, you instead blame any and everything in your life on the person you thought caused it, and you try to hurt them to match what YOU feel inside. Meanwhile, because they’ve matured and actively practice the art of self-love, they’re just deflecting all of your attacks with grace while continuously praying for your peace. Stop attacking and become aware of what you’re really feeling. If necessary, see a therapist.

Bloody Radishes

I realize that a lot of this may seem simpler than it is, because the level of passion behind the emotion you’re feeling may seem larger than life. Unfortunately, the truth is, you can’t run from your feelings, no matter how far you try to escape. Continuing to try to cause hurt to others, instead of focusing on your own healing, tends to hurt you more in the long run. Or, in some cases, you end up causing residual hurt to those around you, and those closes to your targets – and then they begin to build resentment within their hearts. Stop trying to actively breed a home of negativity – if you continue, you may wake up one day and find there’s no one left to lash out to.

 

If It Isn’t Love…

**cue up the New Edition record**. So many songs about love…what it feels like, what it sounds like, hell, what it tastes like. It isn’t a negative emotion, experience, feeling. The very essence of love is in the fact that it denotes positivity and freedom. Love is freedom. Love makes you feel like anything is possible. It makes you feel as if you need nothing else in the world, that you can meet all of your basic needs with it. You can consume it, breathe it, touch it, cover your body with it like a blanket. I can tell you what it is, but unfortunately, I can also tell you what it isn’t.

New Edition

It probably shouldn’t make you miserable. Have you ever met someone who was “in love”, but they seemed like the most depressed person on earth? Always sad, complaining about what the love of their love isn’t providing for them, how they’re making them feel? And when you try to tell them that they’re probably not in love, but in some sort of passion or lust filled place, they come up with excuses as to why they’re being treated so poorly? Yeah, that’s not a loving relationship. Love is supposed to fill you with joy, not dread. If the unhappy moments outweigh the wonderful ones by a landslide, then you’re more than likely in a toxic relationship. ABORT!

Teddy Bear

It shouldn’t change who you are. So, you finally got the man/woman of your dreams, that person that you’ve been crushing on. And it seems like you’re exactly what they’re looking for. Except, you’re not. You’re constantly tip-toeing around them, walking on eggshells, afraid of being yourself. Maybe you learned they don’t like hip-hop music or something (that’s someone who’s obviously dead inside, but I digress), but it’s your favorite and it speaks to your soul. Or, you love corny knock-knock jokes, but they’ve told you that it’s one of their pet peeves. Or, more seriously, they tell you they want tons of children, and even though you can’t see yourself carrying around another baby, you pretend that it’s cool, in hopes that you can change their mind. They’re not in love with you anymore than you’re in love with them. All you’re doing is stifling your true self, and become more despondent and empty each day. And let me tell you, once that happens, you’ll find yourself in the first “this ain’t love” category above.

Miserable Woman

It should never hurt. Love should never, ever, ever hurt. Physically, psychologically, or emotionally (the only exception to this rule is in the case of Romeo and Juliet, and well, we see how that ultimately turned out anyway). I’m talking more than the miserable love of the first point. I’m talking about someone who is constantly cutting you down, destroying your spirit. I’m talking about the narcissists who lead you to believe that you are worthless, that you don’t deserve love, and that they’re the best you’ll ever find. Those people are severely dangerous, and should be steered clear of. If you’re in a “loving” relationship that is giving you pain in any way, you have to immediately (and safely) abandon that situation.

Box of Chocolates

Love should water your soul, and the best kind sometimes allows you to become more you, with all of your flaws and shortcomings. It should never be conditional or scary or painful. It should cause you to want to be a better person, and should elevate you. Now, don’t confuse this with love making you “whole”. You’re already whole. It just means that it should complement who you are. It holds no expectations of you that you cannot fulfill. When I was in love, it felt as if I could fly. The other person made me feel like I could conquer the world if I just set my mind to it. And once you’ve been in love and lost that, it can make you feel as if you’ll never get that back again. But you know the great thing about love? It’s not some limited edition item, with only a few made. Love is bottomless source within your soul, and as long as you’re open and willing, guess what? It will replenish within you, and somehow, more will find you.

Free Bird

Sometimes You Have to Lose, to Win

It’s been such a long time since I’ve written anything…since I’ve felt any inspiration to write. Oftentimes, real life and all of its issues come at you like a tsunami, crashing through everything you love and care about, until it feels as if you can’t swim and won’t ever make your way to the surface. All of the world’s problems because a cacophony of minutiae, and your tunnel vision can only focus on all of the things that aren’t going well in your tiny life, how you feel, and how it seems as if you’ll never survive. If you’re a writer, or someone who likes to create, instead of your craft becoming an outlet for all of the pain, it feels as if it’s stuck on the other side of a double-paned painted-shut window, unable to come inside. You see it fighting to come out from the cold, you know you need to let it in so you can let it all out, but you feel almost frozen in your pain, and nothing will allow you to chip away the paint and open that window. So, your best option? You pray and hope for some sort of breakthrough, that something will burst through the glass and let you release. And finally, finally, you get that epiphany that you’ve been waiting for, and the thoughts you’ve been holding on to burst through that dam of despair and onto pen and paper (or in this case, keyboard and screen!).

Rollercoaster

Ok, I know I made that seem extremely dramatic, but when you are stuck in a moment of pain, doesn’t it feel dramatic to you? Doesn’t it feel that no one could ever understand the shattering of your soul, because they all seem happy and unbothered? I’ll be transparent with you all for a moment – that’s how I was beginning to feel. And for the past month or so (or, if I’m really real, the past couple of years), it felt like no one had ever gone through the things I was going through, and that there was no way in hell that they could ever convince me things would get better. I’d like to chalk some of that feeling up to our social media addiction. We all do an excellent job of creating a highlight reel of our lives. We catch ourselves in the best light, at the right angle, in the perfect moment. No one ever gets to see us fall, or see our ugly days, or the mornings when the only viable option in our lives is to put the blanket back over our heads and call out of life for a day. The modern obsession with perfection has become stifling, at best. We want everyone to think we’ve all got it together, even when we’re falling apart.

Gum

I visited a friend’s church on Mother’s Day weekend…one of those mega churches with the overflow seating deal. Now, I have a deep belief in God, in Spirit, in a higher power, but I’ve never been very religious. I personally think religion can be very unforgiving and unrealistic. However, the message that day hit very close to home for me. One thought in particular woke me up out of my funk, and helped push me all the way back into real life. I’m paraphrasing, but essentially, the message was, “Some of life’s greatest invitations appear as if they are life’s greatest interruptions. Instead of feeling frustrated when your situation is interrupted, feel anticipation for the way God will change your life”. If you’re not into religion, think of it as chance, or the Universe, or what have you. In any case, it was in that instance that my frame of thought was flipped. It’s so simple to go the “woe is me” route when your life is upended, but what if you started thinking of your challenges as opportunities? What if you took that negative event and learned the lesson, and used it to make you stronger?

Lost Cat

Oftentimes, we engage in behavior or situations that we think are the best things for us, but are slowly killing our spirit. It may be a job that gives us status, and we work hard, but it leaves us feeling empty and exhausted. It can be a relationship that feeds us financially, but leaves our minds and our souls wanting for more. Sometimes, we just can’t let go of things, because we’ve had them for years and years, and the devil that you know is better than the devil that you don’t. But guess what? I don’t want any “devils” or negative energy up in my space, blocking what I could truly be accomplishing in life. If we waste time watering dead plants, or dying plants with shallow roots, we’ll end up thirsty from giving away our best water supply. Losing whatever it is that you felt you needed can seem like the end of the world, but start focusing on all of what you’ve gained in the process – experience, wisdom, knowledge, freedom in a part of your life that was once inhibited. The next time you go through a loss in your life, don’t believe it’s the end. Realize it’s just the beginning of becoming an even greater version of yourself.

The Positivity Plan

It is soooo absolutely easy to give out great advice. You listen to the other person so thoughtfully, you run the situation through in your head, you try to be objective and look at both sides of the story, and then you dole out equally thoughtful, objective guidance. You know what’s even easier though? To give out that advice, knowing full well you should be taking it yourself. We like to pretend we don’t have viable solutions to the issues that plague us on a daily basis, but when you give out that awesome advice to your close friends in similar dilemmas, it’s usually your subconscious telling you that you already know the answers to your problems. To kick it up another level, when you blog about your observations about other people, or instances in your life, there’s usually a grain of guidance lurking in between your words.

The Joker

So I’ll let you in on a little secret: I love when I can write about something, and someone will comment, or message me, or text me, and tell me that they needed to read what I wrote – that my words somehow resonated deeply with them. But at the end of the day, I write more for me than anyone else. I honestly don’t ever know if anyone is going to take the time to read my rants, to appreciate my thoughts. So in essence, it is pretty much therapeutic and cleansing for me. I’d even argue that it’s NECESSARY. So much so, that when I go a few weeks without writing or posting (I’m sorry!), the little negative cynic that hides in the recesses of my psyche starts to rear its ugly head. It throws temper tantrums, demanding I set it free so I can shift energy and add more negativity to the vibe. And when that starts to happen, I know I have to sit down and take time to talk to you all, so I can stuff him back where he belongs.

The Tragedies

We all have that negative cynic hiding within us. For some people, the company they keep makes it more apparent. Others stay in unhappy situations, relationships, jobs, and absorb all of the negative energy from others, and then pass it on to those who are trying to remain positive and have a hopeful outlook on life. I’m not saying you need to stay away from those people (although, if you’re a HSP like me, you’ll let people’s energy, whether bad or good, screw with your spirit, so I do try to steer clear). Rather, if you can handle it, you have to be the positive ball of energy so they can feed into you. What they really need more than ever is not someone who will add misery, but someone who can be a beacon, and perhaps urge them to think of creative ways to stifle their cynic. For me, it’s writing. Others may sing, or paint, or be physically active. The key though, is to do something that will cause an imbalance of energy, with the abundance tipping on the positive side of the scale. Who wouldn’t want an abundance of positivity? I know for me, after writing this soliloquy, I can already feel Cynic Sam (I literally just made a name up for him) retreating back into his cave. Find a way to make your inner cynic do the same.

The Beach

 

Be Phenomenal

A week ago, I was honored to provide an inspirational post for an awesome event in CT, “The Phenomenal Women Panel”. It’s been a couple of weeks since I’ve posted on the site, but I wanted it share this one with you all. Enjoy! 

Earlier today, my third grader was telling her brother and me a story about a little girl in her class. Apparently, this little girl had been biting her style (my girl won the classroom fashionista award last year – she is ABOUT THAT LIFE). As a result, my daughter was none too pleased. “One day I’ll wear something, like my animal print Converse All-Stars, and the next day, she’ll be wearing the same thing!” Jokingly, I said the little girl was triflin for trying to steal baby girl’s style. But then, I had to pause and think about that interaction.

In jest or not, we tend to teach our young ladies, at a very early age, that other girls should be considered first and foremost, their competition. Friends, sure, but ones you still have to hold at arms’ length, whoyou always have to side-eye and watch on the low. Because of course, other women, at the end of the day, are always out to steal your style, steal your man, steal your job, etc., etc. And while I’m all for friendly competition (although my friends, male and female, may not consider my idea of competition friendly, but whatever) this mentality is a nasty, negative habit many women are guilty of perpetuating.

We like to get on our social media soap boxes and speak of feminism, sisterhood, and women empowerment, but so few of us actually practice it. It sounds good when we say it, but to actually be about it? That’s a different story. That isn’t to say we aren’t capable of it; on the contrary. We women are so many things – loving, nurturing, intelligent, strong, motivating, encouraging – but we’ve allowed the narcissism of our society stifle that aspect of us, and in turn, our comraderie amongst each other.

What if, instead of hating on the chick that walks in the club with an outfit we ourselves wouldn’t be caught dead in, we compliment her shoes, so she doesn’t feel that sting of collective judgment? Or when we’re at work, instead of withholding information that could help others because we want to make ourselves appear irreplaceable, we share our knowledge and exchange ideas. I’ve found that getting along with other women in my peer groups has helped me a lot more than it has ever hurt me. When we begin to watch our words and actions, and commit to only spreading positivity between each other, we build tighter bonds and even boost our own spirits. As phenomenal women, our primary focus should be to uplift and encourage each other, not to dissuade and destroy. Be phenomenal.

 

Turn Pipe Dreams Into Reality

Every once in a while, we find ourselves lost, confused…feeling out of place. We look in the mirror, and all we feel is disdain and displeasure with the image reflected back at us. We feel insecure, unloved, depressed – every negative emotion and feeling available. And some days, it’s seemingly impossible. We’ll never find true love (for the first time or again), we won’t get that promotion, our dreams won’t ever come to fruition – or so it all seems. In short, we feel trapped and despondent, slaves to stagnancy.

Bunny Suit

It’s so easy to stay stuck in that place, believing that happiness and joy is just a pipe dream being sold by some shady dealer. Those feelings of despair lead to quiet discontent and complacency, making us almost immobile to change and progress. The key to moving past this is understanding that nothing is permanent, and realizing that the only thing keeping your situation the same is you.

Hockey Players

Have you ever gone into a restaurant, retail store, government agency – anywhere – and, instead of receiving a smile and good service, you were met with a negative attitude and annoyance? And, if you’re like me, the first thing you thought was, “Well, if you don’t like your job, why don’t you find a new one!”. Like, how could anyone be THAT unhappy, yet still hold on to something they hate? When you give in to the negative side of being at a standstill, you might as well be that disgruntled employee.

Pug

I know it’s not easy to just magically change a situation, and this is definitely not a “pick yourself up by your bootstraps” soliloquy. And maybe you can’t change your current situation immediately, or even the next week. However, what you can control is how you view it and handle it. You can give in to the “woe is me” mentality, or, you can start making a concerted effort to focus on the positive, and making those plans to propel yourself forward. Maybe that means loving yourself more; maybe it means getting more education, or putting yourself in a place outside of your comfort zone. Whatever it is though, you need to start it now. Not tomorrow, not next week, not for the new year, but NOW. Everyone deserves joy and purpose – start claiming yours.

You’re Not Hungry Enough

A good friend and I were having a very intense conversation late one night (much like the majority of our nightly convos), and this one was about careers and life goals. I was complaining about the lack of creativity in my corporate role, while he was proclaiming his anticipation of finally being able to do what he loves on a full-time basis. I made the mistake of telling him that I wish I felt that way about what I do, and thus, the probing began.

Creative Mind

He asked me to think about what I loved to do; something I would do, even if I didn’t get paid for it. I threw out a couple of things I like doing, but then I said, “If I could do anything full-time, something I absolutely love, it would be to create, to write”. Of course, he says, “There you go. Do that”. And like many people, I began throwing out excuses: no time, kids, this, that, yada yada yada. He quickly and quietly shut down my negativity monologue though. “You don’t want it that bad then. You’re not hungry enough”.

Baby Birds

That comment gave me pause. Because of course, when it comes to work, I try my best, I work hard, so I almost felt offended that someone would insinuate that I wasn’t hungry! I bust my behind with everything I do, because my hunger and competitive spirit doesn’t allow me to be anything but the best. When I really thought about it though, I realized that my work-life really isn’t my best. It’s the best for someone else. It doesn’t give me an extreme sense of satisfaction. It doesn’t make me feel like I’ve contributed anything awesome to society. Essentially, my “best” isn’t bringing value or meaningful growth to ME.

Live Your Best Life

I decided to take that comment as a challenge, and start making goals that would reignite that feeling of competitiveness, of usefulness, of hunger. But not just goals that I’ll write down, walk away from, and barely remember. I want them to make me accountable, not to everyone else, but to myself. Sometimes, we allow circumstances to shift our focus away from where we want to be in life, and we create excuses for that shift, instead of making changes. Excuses are null and void for me now; I’m ready to create change.

 

 

You’re Really Not Missing Anything

The other day, while aimlessly checking my FaceBook, Instagram, Twitter, and [insert social media app of the moment here], I had an epiphany. Or something like one. More like a kick in the shins. I didn’t really care what anyone was doing or posting (not in a negative way, because I do care about my friends or family), but I was drawn to the need to feel connected to something, anything. It seems that I, like many young people in my generation, suffer from extreme bouts of the fear of “missing out” and “being alone with yourself”. Obviously, I can’t speak for everyone, but it seems like this has become a huge issue for me. I’m slowing become a boring person, one who gets bored easily, and needs to find some sort of stimulation by living vicariously through the mundane but seemingly more exciting lives of my social media friends. I’m forgetting how to think critically and deeply, how to entertain myself, how to feel okay with being by myself.

Social-Media-Addiction-Shots

Most of us aren’t so young that we can’t remember the times of actual interaction with real live human beings, with no distractions like smartphones to glance down at every five seconds in the middle of a conversation. Remember trying to remember the name of a movie or a place, etc, and you had to like, actual talk each other through it and THINK, instead of Googling it?? And while you were trying to remember that thing, you thought of other things, that possibly made you think of something else, and took the conversation off into a tangent about THAT new thing?? That so rarely happens in my life now, I’m sad to report. I’m trying to think of the last time I had a real-life intellectually stimulating conversation with someone, and I’m blanking out (maybe two weeks ago?). And those times that I do attempt it, because I’m feeling quite thoughtful and pensive that day, people look at me like I take life too seriously. But isn’t the purpose of life to ponder and well, search for the purpose of it?

Prehistoric Googling

I can also recall not being able to wait until I had a few hours to myself, so I could do whatever I wanted, kid and husband free. I would write some poetry or music (or a blog post), or maybe do a little reading, or make something else worthwhile, like being present in the moment. Now, I get a couple of hours, and I’m staring at a phone or iPad screen, scrolling through and “liking” stuff that I actually really don’t like, or playing the evil that is Ruzzle or CandyCrush (I’m soooo ashamed to admit this). I’ve considered deactivating my social media accounts, but I always come up with excuses like, “I live so far away from my friends and family now, this is how they can keep up with us!” (because there are no such things as phones, anymore, right?), or, “I need it for business purposes!” (I really don’t). And so the insanity ensues.

Tyrone Biggums

I honestly don’t have a solution to this issue, but I know it’s one that is starting to have a large impact on my relationships and my creativity. When I can sit on the phone with someone I haven’t spoken to in a while, and I can’t have a conversation that’s longer then ten minutes, that’s a problem to me. And when it takes me a month and a half to write a new blog post because I can’t focus, that’s also a problem. If you’re not experiencing this issue, I commend you. And if you are, I think we may need to start a support group. If you suddenly see me disappear from your friend feed in the near future, know that I haven’t unfriended you or blocked you out of my life. I’m just needing to be focused and blocked in to MY life.

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