In Transition

There are moments in your life in which you’ll feel lost, unfocused, unmotivated, unambitious. It will seem like everything you want and dream of is always just out of reach. You will be filled with indescribable pain – pain that doesn’t radiate from a clear point, but is felt intensely just the same. Your appetite will begin to fail you, and every sunny day will have a permanent cloud floating within it, directly above your head. And in those moments, there will be nothing easier than for you to feel as if you have failed, and in effect, allow yourself to stop living. Not necessarily physically, but spiritually, emotionally, mentally.

Laundry

Every single disappointment that is felt – every failed career move, every failed relationship, every failed diet and health endeavor – every supposed failure will begin to take its toll on your soul. The heaviness will feel immovable, and you will feel immobile and stuck. Almost as if your feet are covered in cement blocks, and you’ve been thrown into a vat of quicksand. When you’re in quicksand, you’re told to refrain from fighting, because you’ll make it worse, and that’s true. But some fights don’t require physical strength. It seems counterintuitive, but in those moments, your focus should turn inward, and you should seek wisdom to help calm you. These are the moments that are most crucial, because those moments are called transition. 

Which Door

So many of us hate the thought and feeling of transition. It is uncomfortable, because it is stretching us, pushing us towards a life that is unfamiliar to the one we currently have. We want desperately to hold on to what we have now, even if it is not serving us well, because the thought of the unknown is far worse. As humans, we are creatures of habit, because habitual behaviors enable us to multitask and get through our everyday life rather seamlessly. Our habits are a gift and a curse, and they can pin us down into situations and experiences that should be changed. We settle for less than what we deserve and what we want, because we put in our minds that something is better than nothing, and something familiar is better than something new. If we continue to hold on to that mindset, we will never experience growth, and lack of growth is akin to death. Would you rather be dead inside than to try, just a little bit?

Strength

Our cycles of growth are cyclical, and we are given the opportunity to evolve every few months or so. If I want to keep it one hundred, I would even argue that those opportunities are provided to us every day, the moment we open our eyes. When you’re going through those transitional growth periods, your biggest tool is to be present, to pay attention to what is occurring within as well as around you. It is when we’re at our lowest points that our biggest seasons of change are revving up. I’m personally experiencing my own growth cycle, and damn, it doesn’t feel good at all. And I’ll be honest; I don’t want it – I don’t want to deal with this battle. But I know that I need it. Some of us walk into the storm, but others hunker down deep in the basement of their minds. If you’re feeling paralyzed, be introspective and figure out why it may be happening. Cut down on the distractions and begin the process of internal de-cluttering, but most importantly, don’t be complacent. There is something so much greater for you, but you have to be willing to go through the changes to get there.

(All photos courtesy of gratisography.com

 

 

 

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Unveiling the Unavailable

I feel as if I haven’t written about relationships in a while, and the inspiration hit when I was having a discussion with a friend on the way home from work today. We were dissecting something I’d read that examined being attracted to and attracting unavailable people (both physically and emotionally), and ultimately, forging faux-lationships with them. Either the person approaches them, expecting them to be receptive to their advances, or, they find themselves drawn to those who are either in relationships, married, or just not ready for committment. This topic can be a little heavy, because people feel judged if they’re currently in them, or have been in them. I truly believe that, for the majority of people, they don’t go out actively seeking unavailable people. If anything, they like to believe that they are doing quite the opposite – avoiding them, ignoring them, or rejecting them. Every once in a while though, one of them finds you and somehow senses your internal unavailability as well, and BAM!, you’re sucked in. Against your better judgement, you engage in behaviors and activities that make you question your moral compass, all the while asking yourself how you allowed yourself to end up in such a situation. Understand that you are not a bad person, and there are a few reasons why this is happening to you (before you read them though, end that toxic relationship!).The convo caused me to do a little bit of further research (cough-cough Google) to find out why this “phenomena” keeps occurring.

Advice

People meet you at your level of broken-ness. This point was brought up in an article I read on Huffington Post, Why Do I Keep Attracting Unavailable People. It discussed how a fear of committment within two different people can somehow draw them to each other, because they recognize attributes, almost subconsciously, in each other. I’ll bring it back to something even more simple: misery indeed loves company. For some strange reason, we tend to believe that others in our dismal situation will somehow give us space to improve on ourselves. In reality, that broken energy is just being pushed back and forth between the two people. Instead of addressing their wounds, they’re feeding off of each other, and as a result, never completely heal themselves.

Pretty Girl

Having someone who’s unavailable gives you space to be unavailable as well. We all probably know of someone who has been/is a side dude or chick, and seems to be comfortable in that space. Sure, they complain about always being alone at night, and not being able to parade their love out in public, but for the most part, they’re happy with the situation they’re in. They claim that it’s easy, that it doesn’t require much from them, that it’s better than a full-fledged relationship. But guess what? It’s NOT. Not easy, and surely not better. If anything, it feeds the painful parts of you with more pain, and keeps you immobile. You get stuck putting enormous amounts of energy and life into something that shouldn’t even have come alive. Sure, you’re busy, and it seems like a quick fix, but we all make time for the things we deem important. When you find an available person that you’re really feeling, best believe you will do everything in your power to make room for them in your life.

Burning Bottle

You have daddy/mommy issues. Okay, hear me out on this one. I’m not suggesting that you need to go see a psychiatrist asap or anything. Many of us, especially if you grew up where I grew up, didn’t have the healthiest of home lives to mimic or learn from. Some of us had absentee parents, and whether we want to admit it or not, that dynamic has shaped our relationships. We’re afraid of getting deeper, of truly entrusting our love with someone else, so being in the faux-lationship is the best possible option. It allows us to relieve ourselves of having to be vulnerable and potentially being hurt, but you know what else it does? It also prevents us from being open to receiving the love we truly crave. Holding on to that which isn’t ours serves as a repellant to what we should be embracing, what we deserve. Yes, it’s great that you can live in a fantasy world that doesn’t require you to struggle in the deep end from time to time, but for how long? At what point do you decide that the shallow end just doesn’t fill your soul?

Control Freak

I have an issue with control – I like having it. Wayyyy too much. Or maybe I should say, I had an issue. I needed to have complete and utter ownership and a say in everything that happened in my life, whether it was my decision or not. And when something happened that was ultimately out of my control, I tried to do everything in my power to take back the reins. I’ve discovered though, life doesn’t really work that way. Sometimes, bad things (and good things!) happen, and no amount of willpower and determination will give you the opportunity to bring yourself back to a time when you COULD have changed things. That’s called time travel, and we haven’t been able to master the technology to make that a possibility.

Clock

In my efforts to psycho-analyze myself, I sat down one day and really tried to figure out why I was so hell-bent on controlling all of my life situations. Like most things in our lives, we can track it back to our childhoods. Childhood is such an important belief-shaping time period for us. Our minds are malleable and formative, and if we’re not careful, we can absorb habits that will become a hindrance to us as adults. I can recall moving a lot as a child. By the time I was 18, we had lived in about 13 different apartments. It was all in the same town, but a few times, I had to change schools, depending on what side of town I lived on. There was a lot of lost friendships, as well as cherished items that were left behind because of all of the moving. I can remember feeling so lost and helpless as a little girl, forced to live a life based on the decisions of others. As a result, I started focusing on all of the things I was able to control – my schoolwork, my public image, my talents. I was a great student, and I made sure that everyone knew I was one. I put on the personality of a responsible, conscientious young person, and found myself having to live up to that ideal on a daily basis. Exhausting, really. But at least I could control it.

Young Shonnie

As I got older, some of those controlling habits started to trickle into my interpersonal relationships with others. When I didn’t get my way, I would shut down, or feel hurt, have an “attitude”, or work my magic to manipulate the situation to my advantage. But guess what happened when I did that? I still didn’t get my way. And the end result was a lot of mis-communication, hurt and pain, and the eradication of my relationships/friendships. I was starting to be seen as someone who always needed to have her way, no matter what. That type of mindset erodes trust, and if there is no trust in any relationship, then there is no true relationship at all. I learned that I had to stop blaming my past for my future, and start working on ME. I stopped putting my impossible expectations on others – instead of expecting, I started accepting.

Robot Duck

This isn’t to say that you stop having control of yourself or the decisions you make. That is still important, and you need to do that for your own growth. What I am saying though, is that at some point, you need to evolve and become more emotionally mature. You can only control your actions – people aren’t dolls to play with, or robots to program to do your bidding. You may not control the ultimate outcome, but who cares? As long as you know that you’ve done everything you could to be authentic, and that you didn’t manipulate someone to get your way, then you’re on the right path. Because in reality, “It is our attitude toward events, not events themselves, which we can control.” (Epictetus). Focus on your attitude.

Sometimes You Have to Lose, to Win

It’s been such a long time since I’ve written anything…since I’ve felt any inspiration to write. Oftentimes, real life and all of its issues come at you like a tsunami, crashing through everything you love and care about, until it feels as if you can’t swim and won’t ever make your way to the surface. All of the world’s problems because a cacophony of minutiae, and your tunnel vision can only focus on all of the things that aren’t going well in your tiny life, how you feel, and how it seems as if you’ll never survive. If you’re a writer, or someone who likes to create, instead of your craft becoming an outlet for all of the pain, it feels as if it’s stuck on the other side of a double-paned painted-shut window, unable to come inside. You see it fighting to come out from the cold, you know you need to let it in so you can let it all out, but you feel almost frozen in your pain, and nothing will allow you to chip away the paint and open that window. So, your best option? You pray and hope for some sort of breakthrough, that something will burst through the glass and let you release. And finally, finally, you get that epiphany that you’ve been waiting for, and the thoughts you’ve been holding on to burst through that dam of despair and onto pen and paper (or in this case, keyboard and screen!).

Rollercoaster

Ok, I know I made that seem extremely dramatic, but when you are stuck in a moment of pain, doesn’t it feel dramatic to you? Doesn’t it feel that no one could ever understand the shattering of your soul, because they all seem happy and unbothered? I’ll be transparent with you all for a moment – that’s how I was beginning to feel. And for the past month or so (or, if I’m really real, the past couple of years), it felt like no one had ever gone through the things I was going through, and that there was no way in hell that they could ever convince me things would get better. I’d like to chalk some of that feeling up to our social media addiction. We all do an excellent job of creating a highlight reel of our lives. We catch ourselves in the best light, at the right angle, in the perfect moment. No one ever gets to see us fall, or see our ugly days, or the mornings when the only viable option in our lives is to put the blanket back over our heads and call out of life for a day. The modern obsession with perfection has become stifling, at best. We want everyone to think we’ve all got it together, even when we’re falling apart.

Gum

I visited a friend’s church on Mother’s Day weekend…one of those mega churches with the overflow seating deal. Now, I have a deep belief in God, in Spirit, in a higher power, but I’ve never been very religious. I personally think religion can be very unforgiving and unrealistic. However, the message that day hit very close to home for me. One thought in particular woke me up out of my funk, and helped push me all the way back into real life. I’m paraphrasing, but essentially, the message was, “Some of life’s greatest invitations appear as if they are life’s greatest interruptions. Instead of feeling frustrated when your situation is interrupted, feel anticipation for the way God will change your life”. If you’re not into religion, think of it as chance, or the Universe, or what have you. In any case, it was in that instance that my frame of thought was flipped. It’s so simple to go the “woe is me” route when your life is upended, but what if you started thinking of your challenges as opportunities? What if you took that negative event and learned the lesson, and used it to make you stronger?

Lost Cat

Oftentimes, we engage in behavior or situations that we think are the best things for us, but are slowly killing our spirit. It may be a job that gives us status, and we work hard, but it leaves us feeling empty and exhausted. It can be a relationship that feeds us financially, but leaves our minds and our souls wanting for more. Sometimes, we just can’t let go of things, because we’ve had them for years and years, and the devil that you know is better than the devil that you don’t. But guess what? I don’t want any “devils” or negative energy up in my space, blocking what I could truly be accomplishing in life. If we waste time watering dead plants, or dying plants with shallow roots, we’ll end up thirsty from giving away our best water supply. Losing whatever it is that you felt you needed can seem like the end of the world, but start focusing on all of what you’ve gained in the process – experience, wisdom, knowledge, freedom in a part of your life that was once inhibited. The next time you go through a loss in your life, don’t believe it’s the end. Realize it’s just the beginning of becoming an even greater version of yourself.

Actually, I’LL Keep the Change

This post is about change (duh), but it’s also so very much about me. Lately, people have voiced their concerns on how I’ve “changed”. This is by no means a jab at any particular person, but that statement has caused quite a bit of pondering on my part in the past few weeks. Especially when it comes from people who have changed just as much, if not more than I have. Let’s get real here. No one is the same person they were yesterday, or the day before, nor will they be the same person tomorrow. Every interruption, interaction in our lives causes just the slightest change in our personalities and values, whether we realize it or not. But that is exactly what we need, what we should want.

Change

Someone asked me to write about this topic a couple of months ago. I’m sure they thought I wasn’t paying attention, or didn’t care, because I hadn’t written it yet. Neither were true. Rather, I wasn’t exactly willing to write about my personal experiences. As of late though, one of my main goals in life is to try to maintain positivity and inspire others, so hopefully this will have that effect on someone.

Nope.

In a few months, my family and I will be making a big move to another state. To some people, a move to a state in the same time zone isn’t really considered a BIG move. For me though, moving to another state might as well be moving to another country. I’m such a creature of habit. I haven’t traveled much (traveled outside of the country last year for the first time – TWICE!), and I’ve never lived anywhere else. But the same person that urged me to write this piece also told me about the importance of experiencing something new, of being able to be a part of something that had never been done before. When I argued about challenges, they told me to view them as opportunities. When I talked about change, they said the synonym was growth. In other words, I was to stop running from experience – I was supposed to run TOWARDS it.

Moving

It’s so much easier to continue living life the same way every day, because it’s comfortable and predictable. It doesn’t require any effort, and it definitely doesn’t enable much growth. Yeah, you are changing ever so slightly every day, but why not maximize that upward development? The whole purpose of experience and growth (obviously, my opinion) is to provide you the tools to be a better version of yourself. So now, when someone tells me I’ve changed, my only response can be “thank you”. Thanks for noticing that I’m a better me.

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