Sharing is Caring…Literally

I grew up in a household with five other siblings, three being younger than me, and I can recall despising the concept of sharing. I would look at the adults and think, none of THEM are sharing – why do I have to? I would go to school and balk at the kids wanting to borrow my crayons, asking for my loose-leaf paper, eating my candy. I had to share my time, sometimes my bedroom, even my money when I was old enough to get a summer job. I relished in the times I had to myself, the moments I could open up a pack of Now and Laters without a hungry glance from a younger sibling, the moments when I could sit in a park and write uninterrupted (save for the attacking pigeons). I detested the concept so much that I carried my disdain over into adulthood, even in my friendships and unfortunately, in my marriage.

angry-teddy

Now, don’t get wrong. I was a very giving person, and I still am. But that giving was always on my terms, under my control. I love nothing more than to help someone in need, to donate to a cause, to give my time and energy to something I believe in. However, when I was younger, if you told me you needed my sharing, my stubbornness and deep-rooted aversion to it would take hold. Even if I succumbed, it would probably be half-heartedly or with resentment. The more I was faced with compromise, the more I stood my ground, feeling that if I bended and shared, it would be akin to weakness. Nothing exemplified this rigidness more than my marriage.

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We were married as teenagers, a time where you are still trying to find your way in the world, when you’re still trying to understand who you are as a person. And no one (NO ONE ) is more selfish than a teenager. Without the guidance of those who had been on that ride before, we fumbled through the relationship, without a clear path in mind. If he wanted to go left, I would probably go right. If I wanted to criss, he would probably want to cross. Compromise (the biggest form of sharing in a relationship) was a constant battle, and one that neither of us seemed to ever win. Instead of actually sharing, we would find ways to ensure our independence was intact, behaving in ways that destroyed the purpose and beauty of marriage. Even when it was breaking, it still wasn’t enough for us to attempt to mend it, because you see, we were both still viewing ourselves and our relationship from a selfish teenaged point of view.

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For me, it wasn’t until after I was far removed from the relationship that I could clearly see that the cracks were really breaks. Hindsight is always 20/20, and knowing that a lot of the issues could have been solved, had the intention to actually share and compromise been at the forefront, was eye-opening. Some say people never change, and I believe that to be true. You should never change who you are at your core, because your uniqueness is what makes you, and you should never compromise your moral standards. But experiences – those should push you to grow, to evolve, to elevate yourself to a higher standard. I’ve learned that sharing isn’t a bad thing, and when done correctly, and bring the most amazing people, experiences and most importantly – love – into your life. I realize now that maybe – just maybe – our kindergarten teachers had the right mindset.

 

(All photos courtesy of gratisography.com)

Control Freak

I have an issue with control – I like having it. Wayyyy too much. Or maybe I should say, I had an issue. I needed to have complete and utter ownership and a say in everything that happened in my life, whether it was my decision or not. And when something happened that was ultimately out of my control, I tried to do everything in my power to take back the reins. I’ve discovered though, life doesn’t really work that way. Sometimes, bad things (and good things!) happen, and no amount of willpower and determination will give you the opportunity to bring yourself back to a time when you COULD have changed things. That’s called time travel, and we haven’t been able to master the technology to make that a possibility.

Clock

In my efforts to psycho-analyze myself, I sat down one day and really tried to figure out why I was so hell-bent on controlling all of my life situations. Like most things in our lives, we can track it back to our childhoods. Childhood is such an important belief-shaping time period for us. Our minds are malleable and formative, and if we’re not careful, we can absorb habits that will become a hindrance to us as adults. I can recall moving a lot as a child. By the time I was 18, we had lived in about 13 different apartments. It was all in the same town, but a few times, I had to change schools, depending on what side of town I lived on. There was a lot of lost friendships, as well as cherished items that were left behind because of all of the moving. I can remember feeling so lost and helpless as a little girl, forced to live a life based on the decisions of others. As a result, I started focusing on all of the things I was able to control – my schoolwork, my public image, my talents. I was a great student, and I made sure that everyone knew I was one. I put on the personality of a responsible, conscientious young person, and found myself having to live up to that ideal on a daily basis. Exhausting, really. But at least I could control it.

Young Shonnie

As I got older, some of those controlling habits started to trickle into my interpersonal relationships with others. When I didn’t get my way, I would shut down, or feel hurt, have an “attitude”, or work my magic to manipulate the situation to my advantage. But guess what happened when I did that? I still didn’t get my way. And the end result was a lot of mis-communication, hurt and pain, and the eradication of my relationships/friendships. I was starting to be seen as someone who always needed to have her way, no matter what. That type of mindset erodes trust, and if there is no trust in any relationship, then there is no true relationship at all. I learned that I had to stop blaming my past for my future, and start working on ME. I stopped putting my impossible expectations on others – instead of expecting, I started accepting.

Robot Duck

This isn’t to say that you stop having control of yourself or the decisions you make. That is still important, and you need to do that for your own growth. What I am saying though, is that at some point, you need to evolve and become more emotionally mature. You can only control your actions – people aren’t dolls to play with, or robots to program to do your bidding. You may not control the ultimate outcome, but who cares? As long as you know that you’ve done everything you could to be authentic, and that you didn’t manipulate someone to get your way, then you’re on the right path. Because in reality, “It is our attitude toward events, not events themselves, which we can control.” (Epictetus). Focus on your attitude.

Misconceptions in Relationships By @ISwearIAintHit

Keeping up with my once a week “cornucopia” posts, today’s post has been brought to you by @ISwearIAintHit. Follow him on Twitter (he’s hilarious) and his blog, “State of ConPhliction”. (Graphics brought to you by @TheCultureLP -it’ll be a good look if you follow that account too). We’re catering to the young single folk with this one…I promise we’ll target you old couples soon. Enjoy and leave comments!

“Misconceptions in Relationships” By: @ISwearIAintHit

Posted on January 6, 2012

In today’s society we have a bunch of people who want and require relationships but ultimately don’t know what it takes. Whether it be too much or TV or horrible advice from friends but lawd lawd lawd you people are so misguided. In this blog I will tackle problems that plague this *breaks into song* generation of… not being in love *cut music* #TreykeCare. Seriously though we are a lost generation when it comes to such matters because of such misconceptions that I will tackle in this post. So im back with another one!! LET PAPPY COOK

Ladies: A RELATIONSHIP IS A TWO WAY STREET!!

I’ve come to realize that women have a hard time with this. Women get complacent with a man chasing them and think they don’t have to put in ANY work. Sorry to knock you all off of your high horse but it comes a point in time where the chase stops and its your turn. No man wants to chase a woman who isn’t doing her part. Sure a man is supposed to court a woman from the beginning but there’s a stage in the relationship where it becomes a 50/50 thing. The chase is over you have to show EACH OTHER that you’re worth the future headaches. You think a man is supposed to just make YOU happy while u just chill. Not. Women tend to see this as men getting comfortable. Biggest misconception. We want to see what work you’re willing to put in on your end. So if we see you not doing what you’re supposed to do then that’s when we fall back. Food for thought.

Fellas: SEX DOES NOT MEAN YOURE IN THE CLEARING!!

Fellas believe or not women are JUST LIKE US. They just hide it better. They want sex just as much as we do. Sex doesn’t necessarily mean you locked her down brother. It means she trusts you enough to share that bond with you. They want to test drive the stick before they buy the car as well. So just because she finally let you in there doesn’t mean you’re good. It means you have to go harder. Sex doesn’t define a relationship, it’s part of it. I was always the type to not have sex with a girl I really really dig in fear I may get complacent but truth be told when a woman is a good woman you have to put 100% forth regardless if you guys have done the do or not. Now if it’s a woman who you just wanted to take down then so be it but if not then my brother they are extra critical of you actions once it goes down. Stay on your toes and make that woman happy regardless.

Ladies: JUST CUZ HE DOESN’T @ YOU ON TWITTER or FB DOESN’T MEAN HE DOESN’T LIKE YOU!

There’s this issue that always comes up where a woman feels a man does not like her that much because he doesn’t show her love on a social network. Ladies this is COMPLETELY false. Most men not all most don’t like their business out there on front street. Main reason is if you’re a dude who’s popular or not, some dudes just want your woman just because she’s YOUR WOMAN. Which is one of the biggest headaches to deal with. Men also like to keep their relationships very low to avoid the extraness. Extraness as in once you make your relationship extra public .. the public become an extra in your relationship. Once again it’s another headache we DO NOT want. Of course he’s supposed to claim you and make it known he’s in a relationship but having to @ you and put up pictures of you every so often to make you feel “it’s official” is extremely immature and juvenile. You have a bond in real life, you spend time together. Why does it matter if he doesn’t always hit you up on a social network? You have to be secure in your relationship, it’s the only way its going to work.

Fellas: NOT BEING CREATIVE!!

Man listen… As men we go all out when we find that one at the beginning but once again we tend to stop doing all those cute things that made her fall for us. You know what im talking about: The random I miss you texts, random flowers, going out to eat, movie dates. All of those are things that are supposed to continue into the relationship. Doesn’t matter how long you’ve been together you have to keep your relationship refreshing and new. Its tough I know I know. I’ve had this problem too but google is your best friend. Most of the time it’s not even the extravagant things she wants. It the small things she likes just to reassure her shes appreciated and thought of. If money is as tight, such as mine, you have to be even more creative especially in the winter because it limits outdoor options. If y’all chill in the crib, switch it up light some candles and just cater to your woman. Trust me fellas itll keep your woman.. YOUR WOMAN. You can take that however you want to take that.

Ladies: GOING OUT ALL THE TIME IS NOT OK!!

Ladies just like you we want our quality time. There’s a lot of women who just do too much. You think we want to sit around knowing you at a party and some guy is grinding his pelvis on you all crazy every Thursday, Friday, and Saturday….. NO!  Sorry you made the choice to be in a relationship so act like it. Of course its okay to have your girls night out just like we need to take time to just chill with the fellas but DON’T OVER DO IT. If your man is asking you every weekend to come over and you say no you going to some party. Don’t be surprised if the requests become less frequent and someone else is taking advantage of his free time. Keep your man entertained. Parties last but so long, when 4am hits and the party is letting out and your man don’t want no parts what are you going to do? Think about that

Fellas: VOICING HOW YOU FEEL DOES NOT MAKE YOU SOFT!!

As men we tend to feel as if telling a woman how much we like her makes us soft. It’s the feeling of being vulnerable or looking a certain type of way. Fellas truth be told women LOVE that. Women like to hear it just as much as she likes to feel it. You have to assure woman its okay to tell her “Babe I like the dog sh*t out of you”. Lol maybe not like that but you get the point. Another thing we do is tend to act like we don’t care when she does something wrong. Voice how you feel let her know how you feel about things. That’s the only way she can know what type of man she’s dealing with. It’s okay to feel a type of way. We’re human not robots. Holding stuff in only makes you dislike the woman you’re dealing with. So much can get accomplished when you communicate with your lady constantly on feelings. Grow up man. The drake jokes probably scare you but trust a real woman appreciates these types of things. Get your drake on in her inbox if she laughs at you she’s just some immature chick who wants to be treated wrong. Let her go.

These are very very few misconceptions but these are some of the BIGGEST problems in relationships nowadays. Everyone is too cool to be in love. Stop the madness. You will be lonely FOREVER. Forget the masses and the twitter guru beliefs. Live your life for you. Your relationship is yours. Stop going to outside people for advice when you can ask the person you’re dealing with. When it comes to communication whats the need for advice? Everyone is different so if that person doesn’t know who he/she truly is they can’t help you. Good Luck with this cuffing season!!!

Also thanks for the support on the blog (http://conphlict3.blogspot.com) so far im at 2000+ views a post the love is much appreciate please keep passing the word on to your friends. Support me I support you.

I recently put out my first comedy skit with our entertainment group.@LamarKCheston @DionSulemen @NickyCharles #LetsWorkEnt. The video is at 1400+ views!! Once again thank you for the support. If you haven’t seen it yet —>

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